Survival Rates
by The lucky T
Summary: Warning:  May contain retards and WTF timelines and events.
1. Reason  1

Survival rates

Summary:

Did you ever notice that marines always have a low rate of survival, reason # 1.

Disclaimer:

I dont own halo, if I did I wouldn´t write here, would I?

Reason # 1, Gun Control:

A Marine was expecting to have to fight soon, his squad was ambushed on the way to the extraction point, and he had lost all of his weapons during the ambush, while trying to escape the alien squad.

The marine didn´t know where to go, since he arrived late to the extraction point.

So there he was, sitting on a rock thinking on a way to call for help, he was interrupted from his thoughts when he heard an elite battle cry.

The marine quickly sat up and ran away, the elite was chasing him.

The marine saw a human body and a pistol, he quickly turned his head around and found out that the elite was unarmed, so he ran faster, grabbed the pitol, took off the safety, pointed at the alien, squuezed the trigger and...

*click* the end of the barrel lit a little flame for lighting cigs.

"Son of a-" the marine said before being knocked out cold.

When the marine woke up he eventually found a base, where the doctors diagnosticated him with ass cancer...

Author:

So... well, made in 5 minutes.

R&R please

Sneak peek on reason # 2:

_And then she thought her commander might be retarded._

Goodbye


	2. Reason 2

Author´s note:

Hello, sorry if you were waiting, I forgot…

Anyway, new chapter, enjoy.

Disclaimer:

Isn´t there a reason this is called fanfiction ?

Warning:

Game and Movie references!

2nd Warning:

This story was purposedly writtten as retardedly as possible.

Talking/Narrating _Thinking_

Reason # 2, Bad Orders (some are good though)

* * *

¿? Time (use your imagination) Mexico Planet

2 squads are defending the Benito Juanito Street from the advancing covenant, so far they had managed to defeat them with minor casualties.

In those squads there was a woman.

_Why do they keep coming in hordes? Wouldnt it be easier for them to__ bomb the place?_

_Well at least thy didnt send hu-_

Her thoughts were interrupted when someone started screaminng.

"THEY SENT 8 HUNTERS!" A marine yelled.

_Seriously?_ She thought. _ Whats next, a chocolate pelican?_

[After killing the hunters, the jackals, the elites, the grunts, and looters]

"CHOCOLATE PELICAN !" The marine that yelled hunters yelled (now "Tmths")

"That´s impossible!" the fem-marine (now named... "Janet") told him.

"No seriously look at the window" Tmths said, she did and saw chocolate pelicans inside a very small confectionery, wich was called:

"Replicas de Chocolate para la UNSC" (Chocolate replicas for the UNSC).

Note: Those pelicans are scaled.

She was staring at all the chocolate:

Chocolate pistols, rifles, grenades ,hell ,even a chocolate rocket launcher!

She was startled, when her sergeant (Sergeant Frito Pndjo) called out to to the 2 squads to move to the confectionery, so that they could use the pelicans to escape.

"Move to the backside garages, the pelicans are sure to be there"

_Since when did we have such retarded sergeants ? _Janet hought.

[Skip to finding the pelicans]

Janet was searching the 279th garage in the inexplicably large confectionery when what she saw made her face fault so hard that Chuck Norris sensed a disturbance in the force.

Standing in front of her was a fully sized dark-hardened-chocolate pelican complete with chocolate machine gun and chocolate warthog.

She radioed the sergeant and in 5 minutes eveyone was strapped up in the pelican, wich functioned exactly like a pelican, except that it used chocolate fudge as fuel.

The sergeant ordered the pilot (Tmhts) to go full speed back to base and so, the pilot obeyed and they went in the direction of the base.

[2 hours flying, ETA 2 hours]

2 hours after leaving, and 10 hours after eating anything the sargeant told everyone that they could eat some of the chocolate pelican, but not all.

Everything was good for them, they were eating, laughing, and joyful, until the sargeant nibbled too much on the wall and broke the main chocolate fuel line, marked with white chocolate and caramell.

And so, as the pelican plumeted into the sea/floor/pavement/woods/whatever Janet was terrified and angry at her sergeant when it hit her.

The most terrifying thing yet.

She had left the oven on.

The End

(Of reason # 2)

Reviews are appreciated, just don´t flame, the story was purposedly made like this.

And suggestions for the next reason are appreciated.

Oh and i dont know how to make space between the lines, sorry.

Goodbye!


	3. PSA interval 1

Author´s note:

Hello, i had no ideas for other reasons but i came up with this.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer:

Isn´t there a reason this is called fanfiction ?

Warning:

This story was purposedly writtten as retardedly as possible.

Talking/Narrating _Thinking_

PSA #1, Crossoving

* * *

Time Halo: CE Place Halo 04

* * *

Cut to Chief walking to the first crash site in Halo (level)

"Chief,Chief!"said marine #1 (m1) "Thank god you came here, we were... why do you have a mowhawk chief?

"Foo thes nothng wrng bout mah mowhwk foo" said Mr.C

"But it´s a mowhawk, and you dont have your armor" Said M1

"Yow know wha foo? Am a gonna skip this level"

"Level? Chief you okay?" Asked M1

* * *

[MR.C LEFT CAMPAIGN]

[LEVEL SELECT]

[343 GUILTY SPARK]

[CHECKPOINT, HALFWAY]

[LEVEL START]

Cut to Mr.C getting to the locked door.

"DaAmn it stinks, better use deodorant" Mr.C *Grabs deodorant from mowhawk* *Uses deodorant*

"Dats wh im talking about" Mr.C

Mr. C nears the door, opens it with his mowhawk and...

Suddenly a corpse falls out and Mr.C grabs it.

"Les see what happened... foo"

*Grabs disk, and inserts in mowhawk*

*Eyes shine bright in white light*

[Jenkin´s Recording Plays] (No way im writing THAT)

[Jenkin´s Recording Stops]

*Mr.C slowly goes back to "normal"*

"Damn tha took juice, better refuel with that generator"

*Mr.C used GENERATOR*

*Mr.C Alerted the horde*

"Horde?" Mr.C inquired *turns around*

"OH SH-"

[2 RETRIES AND 4 MOWJUTSU LATER]

"Thaz right, dont mess wth tha mawhk"

*Infection form lunges at him*

Mr.C Died... Again

[Retry]

[Quit]

* * *

[Mr.C LEFT CAMPAIGN]

[LEVEL SELECT]

[THE MAW]

[CHECKPOINT, Generator Room]

[LEVEL START]

Mr.C is seen running around trying to find something.

"Chief, this ship is powered by Chuck Norris, he should be on the second level" Cholana said.

"I heard you the first time, FOOL" Mr.C Yelled

"Don´t be so touchy. Look there he is!" Cholana said.

Chuck Norris is seen conected to several transformers to reduce power level to a safer voltage.

"Yo, Chuck!" Mr.C said

*stare* Chuck Norris

"Yeah, happy to see ya too"

*stare* Chuck Norris

"Look, dont have time 4 chitchat, i need a favor" Mr.C Said

*stare* Chuck Norris

"Well i need you to roundhouse kick this ring in 5 minutes, okay?" Mr.C said

*stare* Chuck Norris

"Thanks!, see u in earth kay?" Mr.C

*stare* Chuck Norris

* * *

[Cut to Mr.C in wharthog storage]

"Hmm, wich one do i choose?"

"Do I choose Squirhog, the water type ´hog?"

"Do I choose Charmahog, the fire type ¨hog?"

"Or do i choose Bulbahog, the plant type ¨hog?"

[I]  
[CHOOSE]  
[THE C-MOBILE!]

*Gets in C-Mobile*

"Im gonna get those foos" Mr.C

*Starts up Car*

* * *

[CUT TO ALMOST-ENDING]

"DAMN YOU POINTLESS ROAD BLOCK, DAMN YOU!" Mr.C yelled.

*Gets out of C-Mobile*

*Checks C-watch*

"2 miunutes left. Damn right fools!"

*Gets on Longsword*

[REFUEL THE LONGSWORD TO FLY]  
[CALCULATING, OVER 9,000 GAS CANS NEEDED]

"Are you KIDDING ME!" Mr.C yelled

*Mr.C Alerted the horde*

"OH SHI-"

[1 Restart, and 2 Hadoukens later]

"Okay im getting those cans"

[SKIP TO POURING LAST GAS CAN]

"Yeah I made it!"

*Gets on Longsword*

**Mr.C has escaped!**

Credits

Mr.C as Himself

M1 as Himself

Actor as Chuck Norris (too awsome for these graphics)

Cholana as Cortana

* * *

8372 Humans

3 Elites

**1 Grunt**

And

Over 1,999,999 Flood

Were harmed on the making of these film.

Authors Note:

Not my best work.

Dont flame or Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you in the face.

"Right Chuck ?"

*Stare*

"There you have it, your warning."

Review please!

Goodbye.


	4. Reason 3

Author´s note:

Well, school got in the way so...yeah...

Disclaimer:

Isn´t there a reason this is called fanfiction ?

Warning:

Game and Movie references (maybe).

2nd Warning:

This story was purposedly writtten as retardedly as possible.

Talking/Narrating _Thinking_

EDIT:

Thank you for the reviws, it made me able to write the chapters.

Seriously, without your support i wouldnt have written any other chapters in less than 1 month.

Enjoy!

Reason # 3, Discipline

Different times Different Planets

[RECRUITMENT CENTER]

Pvt. Leroy Jenkins

25 years old

Slightly retarded

When Leroy Stepped into camp, it changed him forever, no longer did he play WoW, no longer did he eat hot pockets, and he certainly didnt drink any mountain dew.

No, he changed, something, deep inside of him changed the day he met Johnson, or it was the burrito, hell it doesnt matter it smelt awfull that day, period.

Anyway, he was asigned on Johnsons squad, and he didnt like it, he would make them prepare dinner for the hole base, and make them dance in tu-tus and thongs.

[BETTER SKIP TRAINING, EH?]

Jenkins was relieved to be safe, he was in slipspace, going to cryo and getting some sleep, phe felt great he felt awesome he felt he could take the entire cove-

*Alarms go off*

Cpt. Keyes (intercom):

Men, everybody go to battle stations! A covenant fleet is going to attack us in 2 hours when we exit slip-space, and dont forget lesson #2156, fight poorly when near a SPARTAN, that is all.

(Well isn´t irony a b**ch)

He sighrd, he reall should stop jinxing the Marines.

[SKIP TO SWAMP INSTALATION, DOOR]

Keyes: Alright im reading some pretty strange stuff on the wall, it says not to open the door.

Bisenti: Wait, you understand those hyeroglifics?

Keyes: What? No it was written by someone called, Coach.

Bisenti: Who the f**k is called Coach?

Keyes: It doesnt matter, we have to decide wether to open the door or not.

Keyes: Mendoza give me the failure percentage.

Mendoza: Im calculating a 10% failure chance, 100% if Jenkins does something stupid.

Keyes: Hmm. Well, it is a lot better of what we usually do.

Johnson: Alright, whats the plan?

Keyes: Well we should enter with caution since it says there are horrible things inside.

Keyes: So Johnson will go first because hes the only black marine in the ship wich means that he is invinsible.

Keyes: Alright, now whe-

*Jenkins, who has been stand-sleeping wakes up*

Jenkins: Alright guys, times up (opens door).

Jenkins: LEEEEEEEEROOOOY JEEEEAENKENS! (Runs inside)

[LEROY JENKINS ALERTED THE HOR—ER, FLOOD]

Johnson: Oh ma cig, he just ran in.

Keyes: Save him!

[EVERYBODY ALERTED THE FLOOD]

Director: Attteack!

Keyes: GOD DAMN IT JENKINS!

Jenkins: Its not my fault...

Authors note:

I wrote this after hearing too much the Leroy Jenmkins Remixed song.

Sorry if you dont like, again review, dont flame, and leave an idea, it would certainly help with update speed.

Thanks!


	5. Chapter 4

Author´s note:

New, chapter, special thanks to "knightwhosaysni" for the chapter theme.

Disclaimer:

Isn´t there a reason this is called fanfiction ?

Warning:

Game and Movie references!

2nd Warning:

This story was purposedly writtten as retardedly as possible.

Talking/Narrating _Thinking_

Reason # 4, Ammo Supplies and quality

Halo:CE Pillar of Autumn

Master Chief was relieved to get to the bridge, mainly because he didnt have a weapon and any friend/foe that had a weapon and died couldnt be looted for ammo and he couldnt loot the weapons either, because they desintegrated in the air (WTF?).

[Skipping Chief and Keyes meet, and cortanas flirty moment (what?)]

Anyway:

Keyes:

Chief, take this unloaded airsoft pistol, it might come in handy to defend yourself against those aliens, like the elites and stuff.

Chief:

Oookaay (thats right just nod, he might be having a senile moment).

Keyes:

Oh and Chief, Im not having a senile moment, im serious.

[Chief exits bridge]

*Hunter sounds*

*chief pulls out pistol*

Chief:

*sigh* Im screwed.

Marine #1 (M#1):

CHIEF BE CAREFULL, THERE ARE 8 HUNTERS OVER THERE, YOU HAVE TO BE SNEAKY, ALLRIGHT?

[M#1 unknowingly alerted the hunters of the chiefs presence while he was snea-]

Director:

CUT IT OFF ALREADY!

[The director atracted the hor- err hunters]

Director:

Wait what do you mean. *BOOOOM*

SHIT! SAVE ME CHUCK!

Chuck Norris:

*stare*

*Chuck norris mildhouse kicked the hunters to death, and the director*

*Director respawns*

Director:

Well that wasnt so bad.

Chief:

Meh, hey director could you spawn an ammo pile here?

Director:

Sorry chief, but i only spawn request for overweight, black, bald people.

Chief:

*sigh* Okay.

*walks through cafeteria door*

Chief:

*gasp* An assault rifle!

*grabs assault rifle and laughs like Dr. Evil (minus the finger)*

*starts shooting*

Director:

You do know it has the only 5 bullets in the game right?

Chief:

WHAT?

Director:

Ywp, oh and good luck when you meet the zombies, youre gonna need it, and by the way, there are almost no allies in that place, and its a swamp, and underground, and-

Chief:

OKAY I GET IT, *sigh* im soo screwed.

The End

(Of reason # 4)

Note:

If you want I can extend the ending, BUT you have to specify a little how.

PM Me the message.

R&R Please, and no flames.


End file.
